here & there

Sometimes I don’t even like having these bad ideas. I think all I do is hurt people. I think all I know how to do is reproduce a lethal cycle.

People fall in love with me against my will, but I act powerless to stop it because it feeds my gluttony. I don’t have a reason to believe in love. It has never been properly executed before my eyes. I’ve never seen love work.

I don’t know how to make meaning out of love without heartbreak.

This is everything — this Miller Lite in your hand while you walk home, the Lucky Strike between fingertips on a hot summer’s eve, a bowl packed just for you — for me? you say, when she hands it to you. Kindness is striking. This is everything.

This is everything — the little moments. Talking, laughing, crying, eating, everything is gorgeous in the light of love.

And yet the things that are most beautiful in this world are temporary, so savor them when you see them. When you find true love, don’t waste it, but make sure it is true. Make sure that you do not sacrifice what you want for what is convenient. Spend time being in love. Spend ages, as long as they will let you. It will feel like no time at all. It will feel like no amount of mortal time will be enough time to pinpoint how you feel. It’s just too good.

I remember now what love feels like. It feels like every word is a rich bite of chocolate cake in your mouth. When it’s gone, life becomes monotonous, even if it’s never been like that before.

Unlisted

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belm0ney

belm0ney

Isabella (she/her) writes literary nonfiction and creative memoir. She currently resides in Greensboro, NC, and intends to pursue an MFA in creative writing.