from a past life

“Sorry for asking you

To love me more

Guess I’ve become the burden I was so fearful of before

Never asking you to make me

Frozen mac-n-cheese”

— Sorry I Was Sorry, Adult Mom

Forehead kisses break my knees and leave me crawling back to you. Except, not yet– except, not so far. I stand my ground every day, feeling this undeniable urge to be involved in his life (and wholly uninvolved in mine).

Is he going to kill himself? That’s what I wrote down in my journal that day.

Insecurity is what I owe to the world, meekness as a form of penance for being so bold otherwise. I’m on a never-ending bender, tearing my heart out over and over again, I’m turning myself into oblivion, one menthol cigarette at a time.

I want to have sex with someone, come up for air from beneath the soft down covers, and say, god, i was just somewhere else with you, i was lost. it was just you and me. I want to be enveloped in that silky, musty space with someone who wants me, too. I think I liked that I felt wanted. I wanted, too.

I am kicking, screaming and crying because I do not want to write about him anymore. I do not want to write about him ever again, and I can’t lose him, either. I need to keep remembering him so what happened between us is never lost. I don’t know if I can rely on him to keep the memory alive.

Do I look pathetic? Am I being manipulative, for asking if I look pathetic? I’m sorry.

I keep some things to myself, and one thing I’ve been holding close lately is that I am evil, wretched from the inside out, with deadly spiders creeping their way out of my mouth and earthworms slithering out of my ears. I don’t know if that changes the way you see me.

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belm0ney

belm0ney

Isabella (she/her) writes literary nonfiction and creative memoir. She currently resides in Greensboro, NC, and intends to pursue an MFA in creative writing.